Finding Your Focus
I'm not sure what the future holds but I do know that I'm going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate. As my dad said 'Nic, it is what it is, it's not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.'
Nicole Kidman - Actress
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following questions:
1.
What is most important to you as you look toward the future? Have you discussed with your co-parent how you will be parents together?
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Finding Your Focus
In the earlier units of this program, we talked about your feelings and how you are doing . We talked about the children and how to help them deal with divorce or separation. We talked about some of the skills you need to be a good parent —alone and with your co-parent. All of that information and those skills will be helpful as you take the next step. The next step is to write things down and come to an agreement. You and your co-parent need to agree on how you will be parents together.
The process will feel different for the person who decided to leave and the person who was left behind.
The person who leaves the relationship may have been thinking about it for a long time. That person may have plans in mind. He or she may be ready to move ahead quickly.
The person who was left may still want to stay in the relationship. He or she might want to work on getting back together. That person may not want to make the break-up final. Or else maybe the "left" person needs some time to get used to the idea.
It is important to pay attention to these differences. A mediator or collaborative lawyer can help.
We have all heard stories about times when a couple's relationship ended badly. Maybe one parent runs away with the children. Or maybe one parent stops seeing the children at all. Or parents spend thousands of dollars and many trips to court to try to "win". But it does not need to be that way. Listen to what Robert Emery says about this time.
You have lots of needs right now. Look back at Unit 1. What do you still need to do to take care of you? Are you ready to start working on the next steps?
Then look at a picture of your children. Or look at drawings that your children made. Put them in front of you. Look at them while you think about the next decisions you need to make. Make sure you can see those pictures the whole time. That will help with your focus. This is not about only you now. This is about what is best for your children.
Making Decisions about the Future
There are two kinds of decisions you need make now. You need to make these decisions with your co-parent.
Who is going to take care of the children and when?
How will you handle money and the things you own together?
There are three methods you can use to answer those questions.
You and your co-parent could each get lawyers. Your lawyers would argue for you. You would each try to win.
You could work with a mediator or parenting coordinator to help you design a plan that works for your family.
You and your co-parent could talk about the choices. You could design a plan by yourselves that works for your family. You might take that plan to the courts to become official.
Look at this video. This man and his former wife started with lawyers who were arguing against each other. They ended up settling quickly with lawyers who worked together. They did this when they found out how much money it could cost to keep fighting.
Journal Entry
Please take a few minutes to answer the following question:
1.
Many people believe it is best to use lawyers and the courts. They may believe the lawyers will make the right decisions for the children. What do you think?
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